


My Brother, My Boyfriend, and Me

by Stellonia



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, F/M, Podcast, copious references to alton brown, its a taako barry and lup host mbmbam au, rated t for innuendos and swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-28 22:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10840683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stellonia/pseuds/Stellonia
Summary: Suggested talking points: Screaming Love Censor, Ol’ D-Port, Alton Browns Weakness.





	My Brother, My Boyfriend, and Me

**Author's Note:**

> _Lup_  
>  **Taako**  
>  Barry
> 
> Based on this post. http://maidofluck.tumblr.com/post/160026276394/taz-au

_“Hello, and welcome to My Brother, My Boyfriend, and Me, a comedy advice show for the modern era. I’m your oldest sister, Lu-”_

**“Nuh-uh! Lup, w-”**

_“Um, excuse me? We’re not fucking animals, let me finish speaking. As I was saying, I’m your oldest sister, Lup Tacco.”_

**“And I’m your TWIN BROTHER, Taako Tacco. This is an audio medium Lup, they can’t see that we’re actually twins! They don’t get the goof!”**

“Technically, she is older-”

**“Fuck off, Barold, this is a twins thing.”**

_“Um, no actually. It’s 2 v 1, sooo-”_

**“Our bickering is some premo comedy. Gonna win the Emmy for this! Can we just get on with the show?”**

_“Barry didn’t introduce himself.”_

“Oh! Yeah, uh, I’m your boyfriend - no, that’s weird - I’m her boyfriend, Barry Bluejeans.”  
  
_“And I’m his gir-”_

**“Just so the lovebirds know, if you start getting mushy, I’ll yell at the top of my lungs until you stop. And that’s gonna be bad audio.”**

“Yeah, that’d be some bad shit.”

_“All of our advice is gonna be shit, though! Do we need a disclaimer? ‘Don’t do anything these dipshits say!’”_

**“Don’t speak for all of us, my advice is gonna be choice.”**

_“Koko, you once told me denim lingerie was a good idea.”_

“I thought it was pretty go-”

  
**“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - do you get it yet? I’m in hell!”**

“I was defending your advice!”

**“As much as I love being right? I’m willing to take the ego blow if it means not hearing about my sisters sex life!”**

“Okay, you know what? Let’s just move on - do y’all wanna yahoo answer?”

_“You bet! Let’s get this show on the road.”_

“This one was sent in by our dear friend, Captain Davenport. Thank you Captain, thi-”

**“We’re not at work, do we have to call him Captain? Couldn’t we call him like, I don’t know… Ol’ D-port?”**

“No. No - uh, he’s the captain of yahoo answers. This was asked by…”

_“Asked by whomst, Barold?”_

“ ‘Sorry, something has gone wrong,’ uh… let’s call them Ol’ D-Port. Ol’ D-port asks, ‘How do I make Alton Brown love me and marry me?’ Additional details: ‘Hi. I am a HUGE AB fan’-”

_“No fucking kidding!”_

“-’And I’ve had a crush on him for some time. After I learned he was divorced, I started to wonder: what if I married him? I don’t want to sound crazy. Contact info or advice is appreciated. Update: Stop making jokes!! And he ISN’T mean, Cutthroat Kitchen is an act! I want to marry Good Eats era Alton.”

_“Hey, Barr? Are you sure that this question wasn’t asked by my brother? Because-”_

**“Of course it isn’t me! I’m not a heathen, I love Cutthroat Kitchen.”**

“Hey - guys? How DO you make Alton Brown love you and marry you, though?”

_“It’s the make that’s really stumping me. Do they want to kidnap him and force his love?”_

“We can’t tell people how to kidnap Alton Brown, we - we can’t!”

_“Uh, funny, because I think we’re absolutely doing that.”_

“Mr. Brown, if you’re listening, I love your work and I’m not party to my girlfriend’s machinations.”  
  


_“Hey, Taak? You’ve been quiet, something to add?”_

**“I’m trying to figure out Alton Brown’s weaknesses”**

“His- his weaknesses? “

**“Yea. He’s got wisdom up the wazoo, so you can’t charm him.”**

_“He’s got some pretty sick offensive spells to, doesn’t he? Force alone won’t work either.”_

“Hey guys! I’ve got an idea!”

**“Have at it, Bluejeans.”**

“How about you ask him out to dinner and have a tender romance instead of kidnapping celebrity chef Alton Brown!”

**“Boo, that’s no fun!”**

_“Ol’ D-port did say they didn’t wanna seem crazy-”_

**“Say, LuLup, let’s do a little RP sesh and see if this idea isn’t crazy too. I’ll pretend to be Alton-”**

_“Nah.”_

**“Excuse me?”**

_“I just don’t think this is gonna be a good bit, so I’m not enabling it.”_

**“Wow, great improv! Way to say ‘yes, and’. Okay, fine Barry. You’ll do this with me, right?”**

“Uh, sure.”

**“Okay. I’m Alton, you’re Ol’ D-port. Ask me out on a date.”**

“Hello, Mr. Brown, I-”

**“Please, call me Alton.”**

_“Hey, bro? Do you want some constructive criticism?”_

**“No.”**

_“Your AB fucking sucks. Continue with the bit.”_

“Alton, you uh - you look like some good eats, if you catch my drift.”

**“Oh, it’s always nice to meet a fan.”**

“Uhm, well, yeah I guess. I - do you - do you wanna netflix and chill?”

**“I’m 54 years old! I don’t know what netflix and chill means!”**

“Uh,”

_“This is a shitty bit, just like I thought. But it’s sort of cute seeing Barry try to flirt again.”_

“To be fair, I uh, I was never reallly good at it. I threw love spaghetti at the wall and hoped it stuck.”

_“It worked on me, my dove-”_

**“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”**

**Author's Note:**

> an old one but i still really like how it turned out, so i decided to post it here too!! 
> 
> as always, i'm at @theadventurezoneoftruth on tumblr. thanks for reading!


End file.
